COMPELLED
Looking at my daughter can be freakishly scary at times. Let me explain. I see so much of myself in her. She’s such a dreamer, and I love that about her. She definitely inherited that from Mommy. But I want to take it a step further for her. I want her to know and understand, even now, that her dreams are certainly attainable and well within her reach, as long as her heart is in the right place and her why is aligned with her purpose. As a little girl, I spent a bulk of my time dreaming about my future. My dreams were vivid; so vivid I could almost touch them. However, I have to admit they didn’t seem attainable at the time. Though they were so vivid I could almost touch them, I attribute that to my desire to see them come to fruition. It was my passion that moved me in that way. Yet practically, my dreams just seemed so far fetched. You have to know a bit of my background to understand. I come from nothing, a broken home, no money, no resources or guidance handed to me, no real drive or motivation to reach for that, which was unconventional (I would later search and find these things along the way).
The mentality of the people in the environments I found myself in were of complacency, settling, and getting by doing the bare minimum. It wasn’t what I wanted for myself. If you know me really, REALLY well, you know my deepest passion is writing. When did I begin taking writing seriously? At 13 years old, I lost my best friend. I felt like my soul left my body and I was just living on autopilot. I locked myself in my room and wrote and wrote and wrote some more. I bled, I wept, I sweat onto my journal. When I was done, the pain had not left, but it was more bearable. I felt a relief, a release, and a bit of healing started to take place. That’s when writing became my outlet. At about 16, I mustered the courage to share a spoken word piece before my church congregation. Just home from an impactful youth retreat, I had a lot in my spirit that I wanted to release. Up to this point, I had been selfish with my writing. It was mine and for my healing only. On this day before my church congregation, I learned it was a gift I was not meant to keep to myself, but to release and allow it to touch and impact others so they too may receive healing and inspiration.
Over the years, I continued writing when I was angry, when I was enthralled, when I was in love (or so I thought), when I was in every feeling and state of mind imaginable, I wrote. Boy, did my life take some loops and curves I could not have possibly imagined. All of it went into my writing. I performed a number of times over the years, angry pieces and inspirational pieces alike.
In my early 20s the visions of my book began. God began to show me how he would use every instance of my life that I thought would break me to remake not only me, but others in that same place, as well. It was too much for me to take in and process. My mind had not shifted enough at that point to see past the potential obstacles and all of the questions that come along with thoughts of writing a book. If you have ever thought of this yourself, you know it is not as simple as sitting down, writing, and voila, your book is done.
To my even greater surprise, also in my ‘20s I became a wife and a mother. While it was my greatest blessing to date, it further complicated this calling I had not quite answered yet. You see, a lot happened during those loops and curves I mentioned earlier. Things that I’m not proud of, things I can never take back. And though I am forgiven and made new, I get uncomfortable at the thought of my transparency embarrassing or hurting my family, whether it be today or further down the line. So, I did what most people do in a place of discomfort. I ran again. I stopped writing. I distracted myself with anything I could possibly find to busy myself with. I stopped reading. I didn’t want to think about my thoughts. That’s a thing, you know, especially for a writer. However, no matter how much I ran, no matter how busy I made myself, I could not escape the vision.
It kept me up at night. It would interrupt my thoughts while driving. It would make its way into my shower. I could be cooking and all of a sudden, there goes the reel in my head playing like a movie of this scary calling. I think the scary part was I doubted myself and whether or not I would fail miserably at it, which would mean I would have made my family face certain things with me in vain. But not only did the vision never leave me, it grew.
One book turned into multiple books. Book signings turned into book tours and speaking engagements and workshops. Crowds grew. I got smaller and the crowds got larger. There’s a metaphor there; catch it. It was not about me. It never was.
Fast forward to October 13, 2017. I was presented with an opportunity to hone my craft and nurture my gift. An opportunity to join a community of like-minded, similarly gifted people. And with this opportunity that a friend plopped on my lap, came a deadline. If I was going to make the cut, I had to register that same night.
I felt compelled – pun intended – to answer that knock on the door. Finally, I knew I could no longer sit idly and ignore this aching inside of me to release what has been growing inside of me. I’m not saying I have delivered already, but I believe I’m entering my third trimester. That day, in that moment, without thinking too hard or making any excuses, I said, “Yes, God, I will do. Yes, God, use these hands. Yes, God, use these lips.”
I took a first step and joined COMPEL training. In just ten days, it has already blessed me in so many ways. I began reading again, as well. I’m taking notes. I’m thinking deeply. I am no longer running. Just taking steps towards making myself available again and opening myself up to let God finish the great work he began in me and see it to completion. I am allowing God to take the passion that’s been brewing inside of me for so long and breath life into it.
There are certificates of completion as I progress in my training, which I will post here to share my journey with you. I cannot wait to share my growth, as well as my growing pains, with you.
Read my introductory post on the Compel forum on my first day of training:
Hi from South Jersey! I’m never too sure how to begin an introduction. But I’ll just jump right in here. I’ll start by saying if you knew where I came from and all I’ve survived, my life today is a miracle from God. If you had told me even just six years ago that I’d be married to my soulmate with two beautiful children and blessed to be a mompreneur, homeschooling my children, and working from home, I might call you a liar against my better judgment.
You have to understand. I was never the little girl who dreamt of growing up to get married in a big white dress, have children, and live happily ever after. While my siblings, cousins, and neighborhood friends played house, I played “Businesswoman”, borrowing briefcases from adults. Playing dress up consisted of suits and my mother’s heels. LOL I cannot make this up. I dreamt of owning a private firm (attorney), living in a loft or penthouse in NYC and owning a pet tiger (I watched too much Aladdin). No man, no children would equal the simple, rewarding life. Or so I thought.
To my surprise, boy, oh boy, did God have other plans. I am still learning to embrace his different plan for my life. But I will say it is much more rewarding and fulfilling than I could have ever imagined. It is true, God’s ways are not our ways and oh, how grateful I am for that truth. I could not have chosen a better path for myself. My, I’d be lonely without my family. Worldly successes that I had in mind would have meant nothing without someone to share it all with. I do not consider myself rich (by far) by the world’s standards. But as far as the Kingdom of Heaven goes, I’d say I am wealthy.
I am a passionate being by nature. But my GREATEST passion is writing. I’ve had a burning desire to write and pour myself out on paper, letting my pen bleed directly from my heart’s vessels. To me, it is indicative of my relationship with Christ and a direct reflection of what I was set on this earth to do. I am his vessel and his Word should pour out of me daily in my walk, speaking to those who come into contact with me louder than my own words ever could. I aim to do that through my writing. Let him speak through me.
I can’t lie. It all sounds peachy up to this point. But if I’m going to be transparent, I’ll admit my feet are tired from running. For YEARS, I’ve been running from my calling. Feelings of unworthiness, doubt, anger, fear, shame, you name it have tried to consume me, but God just will not lift his hold on me (thank you, Jesus). He won’t give up. I feel like Jonah. The whale has recently spit me back out. As I fall on my face at the feet of Jesus, thanking him for his divine protection and asking, “Where to now, God,” his reply remains, “To Nineveh, Jonah. My direction has not changed.”
We are ever-changing, but God is unchanging. His calling on my life is still the same. I know what I have to do now. Bring forth my testimony by way of a book. And it’s not about me. It’s about the great God that I serve who kept me and still today is mindful of me. May his light shine through me and may he receive all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise. Really, if it were up to me, I’d still be running. But by his strength, and through his grace, today I am taking a first step towards aligning my path with the Lord’s and answering his call.
I look forward to learning and growing with all of you here at COMPEL, as we all search deep within ourselves to pull out what God has stored in us to share with others.
Happy writing!
Mercedes Glasgow
Is there a calling you feel compelled to answer or something you have been putting off for fear of the unknown? I want to hear about it. Tell me in the comments below.